someone threw a dead crab at me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
