There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
