You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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