my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
