After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
