I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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