I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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