saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
