Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
