I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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