The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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