HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
