when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
