hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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