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i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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