Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We left the knife in your bed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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