I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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