Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
