i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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