we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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