Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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