In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
