Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
