She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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