meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
