I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's Friday. Sex?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
