You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
