his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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