Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize