Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
no, he came in my armpit
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize