the condom got lost in my hair
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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