i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
