ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
