He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
