he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
