dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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