Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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