Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
