I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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