Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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