Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
