Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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