There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize