I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
