I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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