She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
