I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
