my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
