people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
