Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
