That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
