i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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