im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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