wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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