im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
