Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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