Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
