I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize