Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
