Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
