Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we have pet lesbian snakes
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
