afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
